Saving Lily
by Black Kat64
Summary: read the first chapter before you decied any thin ok
1.

Summary

Most people thought that Lily Evans had a good life, at least the people who didn't know her. At Hogwarts, the students would tell you that she had friends, but never able to tell you who her friends are, except for Hagrid the gamekeeper and the fact that she was usually the brunt of the jokes played in the school. In her neighborhood the residents there would tell you Mr. Evans had a daughter, a son and a distant relative who visited every summer. In actual fact? Her life sucked.

Her mum was dead. She died giving birth to Lily. Her father blamed her death on Lily. Her father also beat. Her sister came up with reason for her father to beat Lily. Her older brother Mark ran way a few years ago to become an Aura.

At school Lily didn't have any friends and was the ass of many of the Marauders pranks. She missed them so much. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin. (I hate worm tail so much. So if I have to write him in well, I'll apologize now!)

She and the Marauders had been best friends but during their 3rd year, but Hope Price told the boys that Lily was using them for their popularity. They never believed that Hope was lying. Ever scene they played horrid pranks on Lily each worse than the last. When the pranks started so did Lily's cutting.

Lily was on the house Quidditch team even though she had tried to quite the team but the captain wouldn't let her, at least the Marauders were civil to her when they played. The Marauders were also on the team. James a chaser like Lily and Molly Carter (no not Ron's mum). Sirius and Remus were beaters, and some 2nd year named Trace Bean.

Disclaimer

I do not own Lily, The Marauders, or most of the professors and students. I'm not J. K. Rowling.

WhisperKat

kitkat33


	2. The Train Ride

I am writing bits of this fic. It was not going the way I wanted it to. Not much will be changed just some words add and some taken a way. I will try to post more soon.

Chapter 1

The Train Ride

About 11:30 p.m. Augustus 31st, 1975

"Take that you murdering little bitch." _Smack… _

"Stop, please…" begged Lily. Her lip was split, her left eye was swollen, her left wrist was broken, and possibly had broken ribs.

"Why should I" screamed David Evans "you killed you mother."

_Smack._ "Stay there" Crash. The whole room shock when he slammed the door.

"Ah. Damn there is no way I can hide all this. I guess I will just have to get to the station early enough to get my own compartment."

About 7:30 a.m. September 1st

"Oh, God; that hurt. Why must he hit me so much? I know I deviser it but still." Lily asked her self. "Shit, I overslept. It takes the cab two and a half hours to get to the station."

After taking a quick shower and pulling on jeans and a long sleeve shirt and foundation to hide the bruise Lily was ready to go. After the cab pulled into the drive and Lily's trunk and owl Pixie Stick were loaded they were off.

For nine whole months of freedom, she would be safe. Sure, she knew she deserved it but that did not make the beatings any easier.

The trip to the station passed quickly. After Lily paid the cab driver and lugged her trunk on to the train, she went to the last compartment and pulled out her favorite muggle book, _Gone with the Wind._ After reading no more the ten pages Lily fell asleep, only to be awoken by three very pissed of Marauders.

"Get out of our compartment Evans**_, Now, _**yelled" Sirius

A flash of red was seen, as a pair of startled green eyes opened up. Remus stumbled backward at the sight of her. Her once sparkling eyes had turned into a hateful place.

"I'm sorry," mumble Lily stuffing her book in to her bag. She drug her trunk out and left quickly.

James' POV

_We got to our compartment at about 10:30 just to find Evans asleep in it. That really pissed us off. She awoke when Sirius yelled after to leave. She mumbled to us a bit but when she put her book in her bag, I notice a bruise on her arm. I guess she got clumsy. What ever she's not wroth the worry. She will never be worth it again. _

"Remus what's up? You look off." I asked. Nothing he mumbled.

"Hey, let's plan our next prank." Said Sirius.

"Who on? When? And what?" I asked.

Remus' POV

_Wow, what happened to Lily…? I mean Evans, her eyes used to sparkle but now they looked hunted. She also had a bruise on he left eye and she looked afraid that we might hit her or some thing. It somewhat scared me. We may hate her now but we would never hit her. _

"Huh…Oh, Fine'' I mumbled I pulled out a book and began to read while James and Sirius planed the next prank

Sirius' POV

_God I am hungry. Boy is orange soda good. Think I should get a manicure. Damn, Roxie is hot. Hey, did Lily just look like she was afraid I might hit her? Whatever pixie sticks our good. Boy James and Remus look off. Hey we need to plane are next prank._

"Hey, let's plan our next prank." I said

"Who on? When? And what?" James asked.

Outside the compartment

_Thunk…_went Lily and her trunk_. Oh dear,_ thought Lily.

"I am really sor…" stuttered Lily

"Save it mudblood," sneered Malfoy. "Now look what you did. You just ruined a new set of robes." With that he kicked her in the stomach and already sore ribs.

Lily let out a small shriek of pain. "I… I… I said I was sorry", she managed to stutter out. "I really didn't mean to run in to you," her voice was rising steadily in fear.

Lily shrieked in pain again as he kicked her harder this time; loud enough to alert the Marauders. The last thing Lily saw before passing out was Malfoy looming over her.

Just as Malfoy was about to hex and many other unmentionable things to her; three very pissed off Marauders came storming out of their compartment. James hit Malfoy in the guts, while Sirius got him with a bat-boggy curse, not realizing whom they were defending. Remus carefully picked up the unconscious Lily and carried her into the compartment, set her on one of the seats, and went to fetch a first aid kit.

_I hope who ever Malfoy was beating up is ok,_ thought Remus, not realizing it was the girl they had kicked out of the compartment not more than ten minutes ago.

"_Ermmmmm,_" groaned Lily, causing Remus to turn quickly, just as the train started, nearly causing him to fall. James and Sirius picked that moment to tumble in, delaying the moment of discovering that they had helped the same person they had hated and tormented the last two years. Lily had unfortunately groaned again, bringing the three's attention back to her. They recognized Lily Evans quickly and became enraged that had helped some one they had tormented for so long.

When Lily finally came around the Marauders, anger had reached unmanageable levels. Remus' face was red; James' eyes had turned a stone gray, and were giving Lily a look of pure hate that not even Snape received. Sirius was another story entirely, he was shaking with anger and shock he had never seen Lily look so weak before. Lily was terrified, (who wouldn't be,) waking up to see to three very irate boys. After spending the last three months being beaten, and the last thing she remembered was Malfoy looming over her.

Lily mumbled "thank you", and stood up, swayed a bit. Knowing that she was about to be sick rushed to the door but fainted before she could even get the door to open. Sirius caught her before she could fall and carried her back to seat and gently lad her down, he was shocked by how little she weighed, his anger and hate for her fading by the seconded.

That is when they noticed her many bruises, cuts and the odd angle of her left wrist.

"Holy shit" exclaimed Sirius

"My, God. What happened to her?" wondered Remus. He too found it hard to stay mad at her.

"Who the hell would do that to her?" James wonder aloud.

It shocked all of them to see the girl that was once so full of life looking so weak, so fragile.

"Sirius, go get a wet rag some ice from the trolley witch and find out how much longer until we get to Hogwarts, order James.

"Remus where is that first aid kit you got earlier?" asked James taking charge.

_Clunk…_ A little black book fell out of Lily's bag. It went unnoticed for now.

"James, here is the ice you wanted," said Sirius, "train will get to school in about two hours.

"Thanks," James

James went about cleaning Lily's cuts and put ice on her wrist.

"James?" Remus

"What?" James

"Does this change things between us and Evans?" Remus

"No" James

"So, our prank is still on?" Sirius

"Shhhh. She'll hear you, but yes, the prank is still on" James

"Hey what's this" Sirius finding the little black book that fell out of Lily's bag.

"How should we know? Just stick it in your trunk and we'll look at it later" Remus.

"O.k." said Sirius. He threw it in his trunk and forgot about it.

Butt little did they know that this would be a major key in helping them help Lily and fixing their friendship.

The Marauders all sank into there own though, eventually falling asleep. Lily had yet to come around.

James' POV

_Man, I hate Evans. I cannot believe we are helping her. but who and why would any one do this to her? Boy, she pretty… Wait where did that come from? She's still not worth it._

Remus' POV

_Wow, Lily looks horrible. What happened to her? I have never seen her like this. She looks like she carrying the wait of the world. She must have lost at least 40 pounds since third year. I wish we could make up with her._

Sirius' POV

_Wow, what happened to Lily? I hope she is ok. I miss my almost sister. Oh, crap I forgot to take my pill this morning. _

Two hours later

James' POV

_Wow Lil… I mean Evans has been out for nearly two hours, though James as he cracked his neck, after the quick nap he had taken. She look really pale almost… oh god, is she still alive?_

"Remus_, Remus, **Remus,** _get up, Evans looks almost…." James said not really wanting to finish the thought.

"Shit" Remus.

"She's still breathing" Sirius.

"I think she has a fever, see she's shaking." James.

"Sirius, take my owl and write a letter telling Dumbledore that we need the nurse to meet us at the depot and send it ahead." Remus.

Remus' POV

_When James woke us up and told us how sick Lily, was it scared me. What if we never got the chance to make up with her? I know why James is mad at her, but what if Hope was lying like Lily said? I mean, if she had denied using us for like a week, that would be one thing but for two years, well that kinda make one wonder. If she gets… I mean when she gets better I will try to work things out. _

_How do you say sorry for two years worth of pranks, and mean pranks at that, especially if Hope had lied, 'Oppose, Sorry, we didn't believe you?' She and I will never be as close as we once were. She was like my sister. She was the first person I ever told about me being a ware-wolf. I guess what really makes me wonder if Lily used us is the fact that she could have ran when I told her what I am but she didn't. She even help me keep my secret. If she had using us she would not have stay right?_

Sirius' POV

_Wow that was scary, I mean, I thought I might have lost Lily for good. Oh, look. We are at school already. Hey, there is Dumbledore. Wonder why he looks so funny. God, I'm hungry! _

The head master and nurse quickly took Lily to the hospital wing. The Marauders went to look for horse-less carriage to ride in. They waved to Hagrid, who looked vary upset, as he was directing the first years to the boats. They were off to start a new year of school.


	3. The Sorting

O.K. this chapter is done… again. Thanks to ydole3343 My Beta so say thanks to her. Isn't she great?

Yes, I will try not get ground again for awhile. But I will make no promises.

Chapter 2

_**The Sorting **_

The students had arrived to school and were waiting for Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore to start the feast and sorting. Yet there was something off and more than a few students noticed. For starters, Hagrid looked like he was on the verge of tears, Dumbledore had lost some of the usual twinkle in his eyes, and Lily Evans wasn't any where to been seen, and lets face it, with hair as bright as Lily's it was hard to miss her. Just when students started to wonder about what could be wrong Professor McGonagall came marching in with the new first years, and the sorting hat. After she set the hat on the stool the whole hall quieted and the song began.

The Song

Oh long ago the founders four

Built this great school

And left me to sort you out

To find the qualities that our Founders prized most

Loyalty and bravery

Are hard to find and most

Prized by Gryffindor

Brains are found in Ravenclaw

Most cunning are the Slytherin

And Hufflepuff will take the rest

But today my friends I leave with these words

Good and loyal friends are hard to find

And believe every thing you hear

Consider the source

Choose well your friends

And shadows are made by you

With that said and done let the sorting begin

The song ended and the hall erupted in applause. After waiting a few minutes for things to clam down, Professor McGonagall continued with the sorting.

Now when I call out your name come forward and place the hat on you head and wait.

"Andresen, Alec" **"_Hufflepuff" _**

"Bean, Jelly" **_"Hufflepuff"_**

"Bentley, Marie" **_"Slytherin"_**

"Bush, George" **_"Hufflepuff"_**

"Carter, Lynn" **_"Ravenclaw"_**

"Carson, Mackenzie" **_"Hufflepuff"_**

"Corn, Candy" **_"Ravenclaw"_**

"Davis, Julie" **_"Gryffindor"_**

"Davis, Mark" **_"Gryffindor"_**

"Danielson, Karen"**_ "Gryffindor"_**

As each new student was added to a house the respective house would erupt with applause, or in the Slytherin's case, polite clapping. Yet three six year Gryffindor boys weren't even listening, they usually liked to get and idea of who might go out for the Quidditch team in a few years and who might make good targets for pranks, but at the moment they were lost in thought.

Remus' POV

_Ok, know I should pay attention but well it really hard. Hope Lily's ok. When dinner is over I think I'll borrow James' cloak and go see her._

"Night, White" **_"Gryffindor"_**

_Wow, some parents are really mean to their kids. Anyway, maybe Lily and I can fix things between us, but she has always had so many secrets. That will make trust a huge issue, and not just for her but for me to. I guess when I go see her I should take her some food from the elves, the hospital's food sucks. I guess I should know as i'm there fairly often._

Sirius' POV

_Hehehehe, Some kid named Jelly Bean is in Gryffindor, hehehe. That's funny. Hey Ravenclaw just got a kid named Light Bulb, must be a muggle-born, Arthur Wesley told me about them once. Maybe he's a dim bulb. Hahaha. I crack myself up. Oh, maybe Remus will go with me to Lily. I miss when we used to hang out with her, she had pretty hair. It smelled nice too. Wait did I hear that right a kid named Night Light just get put in Huffelpuff, must be another muggle-born, think he's afraid of the dark. Hahaha. Oooo shiny._

_I like jolly ranchers. Hurry up I'm hungry. Jeepers McGonagall's hot. Oh, ick where did THAT come from… I hope we have soup tonight. I like soup. It tastes good._

James' POV

_I can't wait to prank Evans she will never now what hit her. Hahaha. Boy some people give their kids weird names. Oh well just more reasons to prank them. Now what those two thinking about? _

It's a sad day indeed when not even the head master can pay attention to the sorting, but he, like others had many things on his mind.

Dumbledore's POV

_When I received the owl about Miss Evans, my thoughts not only went to her but to Hagrid, her only friend here at school. How do I tell someone that a child that they have come to love as their own has been injured? Needless to say it was rather difficult to tell him much less drag him a way from her side after he brought the new first years across the lake but when Lily told him to go to the feast, he went, she an amazing power over him. But where did she get all of those old injuries?_

_Oh dear, did the sorting just end, well I guess it's time for my speech._

"**Good evening students and teachers. Welcome to a new year. I have just a few things to say, if ever you find you self in danger and think you have no one to turn to. Please think again. Myself and the staff will do any thing to help you. That is all. Yes Sirius, you may eat now. Enjoy"**

And enjoy they did. While Dumbledore's speech drifted to the back of their minds.

By the end of the feast any and all troubling thoughts had been pushed out of everyone's mind. Sirius and Remus had forgotten about going to see Lily, and about the prank they would play on her in the next few days. But not James, he could wait to pull this prank.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you forgotten some thing, some thing important, some thing you know you need to remember, some thing that will keep nagging you until you remember. Well that exactly the feeling that Remus and Sirius got as they were leaving the Great Hall after the feast.

THEIR POV

"Hey, Remus do you have any Pixie sticks." Asked a very perturbed Sirius, in hopes that a little sugar might help him remember what information he had forgotten.

"Hmmm… What did you say Sirius? Sorry, I kinda have something on my mind,"

replied Remus, trying to be vague.

"Oh, just wondered if you had any pixie sticks, wait what's on you mind Moony?"

"That's the problem, I not sure what exactly is on my mind. I can't really remember what was bugging me. Wait what's wrong with you, you have been practically bouncing off the walls all day why the sudden change?" stated a very sheepish Remus.

"Oh, yah I forgot to take my calming potions on time this morning, and it's time released, and it also depends on how tried I am. I also feel like I forgotten something too." Sirius said, still searching within his mind for what it could be.

Their thoughts were momentarily interrupted by James telling them that he was going to be with his new flavor of the week, Carmel Apple. Remus and Sirius were nearly to the common room, and they knew that they should wait until they reached the dorms to continue their conversation.

After they gave the pass word to the Fat Lady, _vite senzafine La coda è una puntura_ (worm tail is a prick, in Italian), they climbed the stairs the continued their conversation to their room.

"What do you think we forgot?" Sirius

" I haven't got a clue. What had you asked for when we were on our way up?" Remus

"Oh yah, I forgot about that, do you have any pixie sticks… You know the muggle candy Lily use to give… Hey that's it!" Said Sirius excitedly. "Lily, I wanted to go see her. You know...Make sure she's o.k."

"Oh, Ohhhh, that's what I forgot too, but do you think that she would really want to see us? I mean we were awful to her the past few years, and she did seem a bit afraid of us when we saw her on the train."

"Well can we blame her?" Sirius thought of how they had treated her in the past few years.

"No… Maybe we can write a letter to her first and send it to her so she doesn't freak out." Sugested Remus.

"Good thinking… but what would we say. Sorry we tortured you, hope you feel well soon love Remus and Sirius?"

"Some thing like that, but maybe we should just say we hope she gets well and send her a flower, maybe not sign our names though. And then go see tomorrow after lunch, since classes wont start until Monday. We could even owl her now and again in the morning. So she gets used to the idea of us trying to be friends again." Said Remus.

"Damn I hadn't though of that, are we gonna let James in on what we're doing?" Asked Sirius. "Why did we even hate her anyway?"

"Hope Price told us that Lily had been using us to be popular, but now that I really think about it that really doesn't make since, I mean if she was using us she could have and would have left when she found out that I was a were-wolf, but even last year she helped me keep my secret when I had to miss prefect meetings, and she always helped you with your Charms homework, she even did all that research in second year to help you over come you A.D.D." Remus told his friend. "And no don't tell James yet."

"Do you think she will want to be our almost sister again?" Sirius asked.

"No, not for a while… if ever. What we did was horrid." Remus said quietly

"Oh…Here you write and I'll transfigure the lily." Sirius said, handing Remus a quill and parchment.

With the letter composed and ready the next question how to send it. After debating for an hour they settled on using a school owl to send it. When all was done they were ready for bed. Just as they were about to crawl into bed James returned looking quite pleased and rumpled with lip stick on his face and shirt. They waited for James to tell what happened and get ready for bed. The whole process took nearly an hour more, and it had grown very late. They were just drifting off to sleep when Sirius sat up abruptly and asked Remus if he had any pixie sticks. In response he was promptly hit with two pillows.

O.K. this chapter is done agin


	4. Once Upon A Midnigt

Chapter 3

Once Upon a Midnight Dreary

"_Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary."_

It was the middle of the night and Lily couldn't sleep. The infirmary bed was way too hard, and the steady fall of rain from the storm outside was keeping her awake. She felt rather alone, no one had come to see if she was even _o.k_. and her feelings were more than hurt, they were crushed. Sure the logical part of her was telling her that no one knew she even ill, oh but three boys did, yah the _Marauders_. She played with this thought in her head. As much as she kind of wished they would visit, she knew if they came to see it would be just to torment her. On the other hand they at least would be someone help keep her mind off more unpleasant things, like her last run in with Malfoy, the beating from her dad, or the letter she got no more then ten minutes ago. It had been from her fath-... sir telling, no promising her if she dared say a word to anyone as to why she returned to school in such a state she would never see the light of day again. He also saw fit to remind her that life would be much better for everyone if she would just do them a favor and kill herself. Yeah, her life was just great, she had an abusive dad, a dead mother, a bitch of a sister, and a half brother who ran a way when she was little, and one friend. She was lonely as hell. Then there was the problem of her teachers finding out that she cuts herself to relieve some of her emotional pain, or that she has tried to kill herself oh was it five or six times now? They would almost definitely ship her off to the mental ward in St. Mungos. Oh, then even better the kids at school would start all their whispering in the halls about her that they think she doesn't know about.

Lily's POV

_God, why does this bug me so much? Its not like I haven't been beaten before. So why is this time so different? Why do I care so much about the Marauders? They hate me. However, they must feel something for me right? They did take care of me on the train when they could have just chucked me out of the compartment. I wish things could just go back to how they used to be with us._

_I hope Hagrid was not too upset when he saw me. Oh crap I never gave him his present, I really hope he likes the dog I got for him. Hagrid always been so sweet to me if it were not for him I would be completely alone… what is that infernal taping?_

Lily carefully crawled out of her bed and went to the window to find a drenched owl and a letter.

_Well that was odd one of the schools owls just dropped off a letter for me…I wonder if it is from headmaster. No wait, he almost always uses Fawkes if its just around the school. It's not as if im important enough to get anything from him anyway. So who could have sent it? Well I guess there is no time like the present… huh._

_Lily was shocked when she opened her letter, not only was there a letter, but there was beautiful white day lily. She was even further surprised when she saw that the letter held an apology and well wishing. She knew exactly who it was from too. The letter was written using hand writing that was impossible for her to forget. It was from Remus and it looks like probably Sirius too, she noted, when she saw a slight smudge of what looked like chocolate. Although she didn't feel the need to investigate it any further by smelling it._

_Lily read and reread her letter many times that night. She was half convincing herself it was real, half wondering what it would indicate about her current relationship with the Marauders. She spent so long doing this, that she in fact had not even noticed that it was two in the morning until the clock chimed interrupting her thoughts. Sighing, Lily decided to get some sleep in hopes of clearing her mind. This was proving difficult though, she couldn't stop repeating the letter over and over in her head. _

_Dear Lily,_

_Never in our lives have we regretted anything as much as we regret the way that we have treated you in these last few years… we know that you may never forgive us but that sure as hell won't stop us from trying. We want you to know how much we love you, and we hope you do get well soon so we can try to make things up to you._

_How can they possibly begin to make things up to me? They humiliated me day in and day out. How can I know, yawns, that this is not another of their "infamous pranks"…? _

With those thought Lily drifted off in to a not so peaceful slumber. Not knowing what horrors she would face in her sleep. Not knowing that two of the boys who haunted her in her sleep would be with her when she awoke

Had anyone come to check on Lily while she slept they would have notice that she was not have the most pleasant dreams to say the least. She was tossing and turning and had tears down her ashen face.

"_Take that you murdering little bitch." A loud smack followed the dangerous booming voice._

"_Stop, please…" begged Lily. Her lip was slit, her left eye was swollen, her Left wrist was broken, and possibly had broken ribs._

"_Why should I" screamed David Evans "you killed you mother."_

_Smack. "Stay there" He slammed the door with a crash that shook the whole room. _

One dream faded into the next.

"_I really sor…" Lily started._

"_Save it mudblood," sneered Malfoy." Now look what you've done, you just ruined a new set of robes." With that he kicked her in the stomach and already sore ribs._

_Lily let out a small shreik of pain." I… I said I was sorry" she managed to stutter out. "I really didn't mean to run into you," her voice was rising steadily in fear. She hoped that the someone nearby or even the Marauders would hear what was happening._

_Lily shrieked in pain again, as he kicked her harder this time._

_Third year Lily sat in the back of Transfiguration class doing her homework when the whole class started laughing and pointing at her. Her hair had turned from dark auburn, to a flaming red and began to smoke, making it look as though her head was a flame. Tears streamed down her face. Lily ran from the room to the nearest bathroom, where she cried for a few minutes. After composing herself she then pulled out her wand and repeated a charm that she knew by heart, the charm that was the maker of three fresh cuts on her left arm. _

_She was then drawn into a new memory. It was just after yet another one of the Marauders pranks, they had dumped her plate on her during the back to school feast (4th year). She fled to the only place she felt safe. Only this time instead of sitting on the Astronomy Tower's roof she jumped. _

_Short moments flowed in and out of her mind as she slept._

_Lily sitting in her dorm room writing a farewell to anyone she thought might care. _

_Lily, on the Astronomy Tower's roof cutting he self for the first time._

_The first time Lily made herself throw up after a meal._

_The day her brother left._

_The first time her dad hit her._

_The day the Marauders told her they never wanted to speak to her again._

Lunch had come and gone a Lily was still sleeping, and not too soundly at that. Now there were two-horror struck boys were at her side.

Lily was tossing, turning, gasping for breath, and occasionally mumbling in her sleep. Her skin had turned very pale and was a kind of an ashen gray. Lily was shaking. Both boys were panicking trying to calm her and get the nurse when Lily woke up screaming. She took one look one look at the two panic-stricken boys hovering over her and screamed even louder. She tried to back away from them and succeed in falling off the bed, and tried to hide in a corner.

Both boys were shocked to the core. Too shocked to move, it took a minute for them to realize that Lily was afraid them. When it sunk in, they rushed to her side and frightened her even more.

Remus, being the sweet heart that he is, pulled her into his arms to comfort her. He held her while gently whispering comforting words. He noticed that she weighed so little he knew that she had always been tinny but he now guessed she only weighed about 95 pounds.

When they finally calmed Lily down some, she pushed away from Remus and backed herself even further into the corner. Remus and Sirius were both stunned and appalled, they knew Lily might be mad at them, but terrified of them! They expected her to yell at them with her old fiery attitude, but she was just huddling in the corner, visibly afraid of them. They Lily the used to know used to know would face her fears head on. She never let any one know when she was afraid. They knew they had been cruel but they had never done any thing to make her believe they would hurt her that much. So who had?

They sat in silence for a moment, when Sirius found the eeriness quite unbearable he spoke.

"Lily," He said softly," maybe you would like to sit on the bed. You might be more comfortable." 

When she nodded, he carefully picked her up, noting again how little she weighed, and gently set her back on the bed. When he reached over to the next bed for a blanket to cover her up he noticed that Lily flinched, did she think that he was going to hit her?

"Lily," Remus spoke up," what was wrong? What were you dreaming about?" he asked knowing that he was not likely to get answer.

"Nothing," mumbled Lily hoarsely, still weak from the event's of the last few days. "Why are you two here? You don't even like me anymore, remember?" She asked unknowingly inflicting a barb of guilt in both boys. "In fact you hate me. Wait I know why you are here. You want to torture me. Oh or wait, maybe you want to use my illness for another prank on me later. Hold on where's James he's always ready to prank me… well I'm I waiting, you gonna explain why and what you are doing here?"


	5. Rebrith of the Frienship

Rebirth of friendship

Damande aIt may be a while before I post again but have no fear I will post. Maybe while I'm on Christmas break.

And now on with the show.

Chapter 4

"Well, I'm waiting why are you here?" demanded Lily. "Surely you can't expect me to believe that you want to be _"friends" _again." She was still visibly shaken from her nightmare and waking up to find two unlikely people standing over her. Her eyes were narrowed, she looked kind of pale and clammy, but a hint of color in her cheeks was beginning to appear as her temper grew. Why wouldn't they just tell her what they were playing at? "Well?" she demanded again.

"Um. Uh. Er. Well we… we wanted to talk to you, to make sure you're okay and to… well to apologize to you." Stuttered Sirius, in a manner much different from his normal charismatic one.

"Ha! Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to believe that?" Lily spat out. She was furious that they were toying with her, but still couldn't help but wonder if maybe this was her dream come true...

"Didn't you get our letter we sent you?" Remus asked calmly even though on the inside he was any thing but calm. He had figured she would react the way she had with the anger and everything, but what he had seen before she woke up had really freaked him out. He hadn't talked to her in a while, but she hadn't seemed THAT bad off.

"Oh yes, I got your letter. But, I don't believe a word of it. So why are you here? Hmm. It can't be because you want to make up with me. Even if I actually believed all that bullshit, why after two years would you suddenly decide that I wasn't lying? That maybe I was telling the truth. I mean if you really cared you could have bothered to find that out before. So are you planning to prank me?" Demanded a very irate (one of my vocab. words for the week Just though you might want to know.) Lily.

"Well, when you fainted we realized how close we came to losing you. We love you. We want to make-up. You don't believe us now, but you will." Remus said calmly.

"I don't trust you. How do I know that you aren't waiting for to make some big confession and use it for a prank… that reminds me where is James? Is he hiding behind some curtain to write down every thing we say?" Lily asked again a little more sedated. (another vocab. Word)

"Okay, we deserved that. No James isn't here. Listen to us Lily we are begging you to forgive us." Remus said firmly.

"Lils, we thought you died in our compartment on the train ride here, and all I could think about was all the horrible things we'd done to you. That I could never tell you how sorry I was. that I would never be able to hug you when you're sad. I wouldn't be able to annoy you when I copied you homework." Sirius told Lily quietly. He bent his head and wiped away a tear, unbeknownst (vocab. word) to him Lily too had begun to cry.

"Okay, I guess I believe you, but why isn't James here?" Lily asked insently, still snifluling a little.

Remus and Sirius shared a dark look.

"Well, he's" Remus began, "Wait did you did you just say you forgave us?"

"No, I said I believe you. There is a difference. Forgiveness in this case takes time."

"We'll take it." Sirius rushed not wanting Lily to back out. "We need celebrate. Remus go three butter beers."

"Ah, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black I can supply the butter beers." Professor Dumbledore had appeared out of no where. "If you Mr. Black would be so kind as to go to my office and retrieve them, the password is "liquorish rats", and you Mr. Lupin please go to Hagrid's hut and tell him that Miss Evans would like to see him around three this afternoon that would be most appreciated. Miss Evans and I need to talk." Professor Dumbledore dictated leaving no room to argue. He saw the boys out and sat by Lily's bed. "Now Lily could you pleaes tell me what happened to you? And don't say it was Mr. Malfoy because many of the fractures and bruises were old."

"Sir I really don't want to talk about it.' Lily said quietly looking down to avoid his piercing gaze. "It nothing really."

"But Lily if you don't tell any one what happened how do we fix it? Who hurt you? It must have been someone you have been around all summer. Correct?"

"Sir it's nothing I swear!" Lily said quietly but urgently. Her father's letter replayed itself in her mind, she couldn't tell anyone, not even Dumbledore. Then there was the fact that Remus and Sirius might find out so soon after wanting to make up with her, they might want to abandon her again.

"Alright, if you ever want to talk please let me know. I'll leave you now as I'm sure Sirius and Remus will be back soon if they are not already outside the door." Professor Dumbledore stodd to leave.

"Wait, Sir! In my dorm there is a pet carrier, it has a puppy, it's for Hagrid could you have a house elf feed it and bring it down to me? It's his Birthday present." Lily asked before the headmaster could leave.

"Of course " he said and left.


	6. Vistes

Thank you for all of your review I lover for them.

Taken from Happy by Martina McBride. It will been seen again

_I used to live ina darkened room  
Had aface of stone  
And a hert of gloom  
Lost my hope, I was so far gone  
Cryin' all my tears  
With the curtains drawn  
I didn't know until my soul broke free  
I've got these angels watching over me_

"Well Lily I know that there is more to what happened', the headmaster told' me that a lot of your bruises an' broken ribs an' wrist were old'. So tell me what happened." Hagrid told her gently.

"I was erm, in a car accident and because of school starting I couldn't go to the hospital." She lied looking at her hand she didn't want to tell him what happened over the summer.

Hagrid knew she was lying but didn't press her on it.

"What are you going to name you puppy?" she asked changing the subject.

"I think I'll name him Fang." He told her very happy about his gift. "I brought you some tea."

"You did? You make the best tea I ever had I saved the fudge you sent Remus back with. He managed to help me hide it from Sirius. You want some?" she offered

"No thank you I have to go now take care and come see me soon. Okay" he told

her and left, just as the school nurse came in.

"You may get dressed and go to dinner now," the older woman told her." But I want you to start eating more. Do you hear me?" she demanded "I want to weigh you once a week un till you gain at least thirty pounds, then only once a month to make sure you keep the weight you gained." She too departed leavening Lily with only her thoughts to occupy her while she dressed.

Even though she was happy to leave she didn't want go to the evening meal. But she had no choice she for got to ask Remus what the


	7. Nobody dies from a broken heart or do th...

_Nobody Dies From A Broken Heart_

_(Sonny LeMaire/Randy Sharp)_

_Nobody told me_

_It could ever hurt so bad_

_I'm having to learn the hard way_

_Now that you're gone_

_It's hurting me more_

_Than any pain I've ever had_

_And I don't know how I can go on_

Even though she was happy to leave she didn't want go to the evening meal. But she had no choice she for got to ask Remus what the password was and she missed the Prefects meeting.

Okay, she thought as she sat down in the Grate Hall, I'll just eat a quick bite than wait for Rem and Siru. I just hope that James wants to make up too… it will brake my hart to see have to see him every day and know that he hates me. Moreover, what would it do their friend ship now that Siru. and Rem. I've… she never finished her thought. She herd a loud bang and turned torwed the noise in fear. She now wished she had not sat a lone.

James walked in. His eyes settled on her, he began to grin an evil grin. He sat down next to her and said loudly "so how's the world fattest out-cast?" many in the hall laughed. He continued, "You are a real loser you know that the only reason I pretended to be your friend was out of pity. You know Evans if you weren't so ugly you might not be such a loner. You now you I bet your mother and father can't even stand the site off you. You are not even fit to be a witch much less a Gryffindor" He had forgotten that her mother was dead. Tears had sprung to her eyes, she blotted. The whole hall was laughing

The headmaster had come in to the hall during James' tirade **_"Silenced." _**The hall silenced.**_ "Mr. Potter dention for the next two weeks and 20 points from Gryffindor. Now go to your dormitory_**." He ordered. "I also wish to see you in my office tomorrow at 9 a.m. do not be late." He turned and left the hall.

_Nobody dies from a broken heart_

_Give it time, and your dreams will start again_

_I know love can tear you apart_

_But nobody dies from a broken heart_

When Lily left the Grate Hall, she ran in to Remus and Sirius both shocked to see her out of the infirmary and crying. They took her to the room of Requirements.

It had a large bed and in the center with a lager box of tissues and on a table near the bed lay a large box of Honydukes Best Chocolates and three bottles of Butter Beer. They lead her to the bed and helped her sit. Once she had clamed down enough for her to talk, they demanded to know what had up set her so much.

"He, he, he call me the world fattest out-cast" she told the between sobs. "He said maybe if I weren't so ugly I might not be such a loner. He call me a loser

And that the only reason he pretended to be my friend was out of pity. He said you now you I bet your mother and father can not even stand the site off you. He said I'm not even fit to be a witch much less a Gryffindor. I don't know what my mother thinks of me she died having me and my father … never mind." As soon as she finished telling them what happened she broke down in tear again.

"Lily who told you this?" Sirius asked gently. Even thought he was enraged that some could be so cruel not even aware that he him self had said much the same thing last year.

"J-J-Ja-James" she sobbed out.

"Oh, Lily I'm sorry he just still mad he has no idea what he's saying. He will come around. It just takes time. Lily you know you aren't any of those things and we were are your friends because we want to be." Remus told her softly.

Lily nodded her head and pretended to believe him.

_Everyone tells me_

_It's gonna take a little time_

_Before you find your heartaches_

_Slipping away_

_I know you mean well_

_And they're just trying to ease my mind_

_But it doesn't help to hear them say_

"Lily Remus and I our going to go talk to James will you be ok here alone? I do not when or even if will get back to night. Maybe it would best if you stay here to night. Come on Remus we have the world's biggest prick to deal with." Sirius told Lily almost sedately even thought he was shacking with anger.

Lily nodded and tried to back a way from him with out being noticed. Once they left Lily took out her wand and transfigured a tissue in to a penknife by muttering _Giri questo dentro verso un penknife. _She carefullyrolled up her sleeves and cut open her arm. Almost instantly feeling relief.

After making two more cuts, she deposed of the knife. Wipe away her blood, and rolled down her sleeves. Her last thought was _Nobody dies from a broken heart but I might._

_There's nothing anybody's gonna say_

_That'll talk me out of feeling this way_

_There's nothing anybody else can do_

_To take away my love for you_

Remus told the Fat Lady the password and strummed up to the six-year dorms with Sirius right behind him. James was on his bed, he just finished casting the last spell for the prank tomorrow.

"James" Remus yelled, "How could you say that to Lily. You are the cruelest, inhumane, person I have ever met. What did Lily do to you." He bellowed.

"Well in case you have for gotten we hate her. She used us. Just because we helped her doesn't mean we're going to be friends." He yelled back.

"In case you've forgotten Lily was the first to know that I was a ware-wolf, hell she even helped me hid that from the two of you, she always came up with reasons why I was not at Perfect during the full moon, and that was after we hurt her." Remus yelled, his was truing red almost purple.

Sirius, who had remained quite suddenly, spoke up. "Lily was always there for us. She would use her power as a Perfect to get us out of trouble; she risked every thing to stand up for last year when I was accused of cheating last year on the OWL's. She went out of her in first year to help me before we are friends. Sure, we do not know why Lily would disappear for hours at time before the fight and would tell us ware she was, she had her reasons. However, we were her friends we should have trusted her. Hope lied to us, but we believed her because she was your girl friend she was a jellose little whore. I confronted her this morning before we went to make with Lily. She broke down, she sobbed out the whole story, how she just wanted Lily out of the way, because she took to much of your time and you had complained to her about how Lily was hiding something from you, that she would be gone for hours at a time with out an explanation. How she would come back from brakes all bloodied up. She always denied using us, for a year and a half she stood by her story, you know what should have tip us off about that lie Lily was shy she'd blush if any one would talk to her besides us and that still hasn't changed. We broke Lily's hart and may never get back the Lily we knew and loved. However, Merlin help me I will not let you hurt her ever again." He turned and stormed out.

James was stunned, he never thought that Hope would lie to him or that Pad foot and Mooney would go behind his back and talk to Lily. He turned back to Remus and said "Mooney, maybe you'd better go I have a lot of thinking to do."

"Lily is in The Room of Requirements in case you decide to apologize to her," he too left. Now where would Padfoot go he asked him self. Duh. Headmaster he always goes to see him when he needs to talk.

_There's nothing anybody's gonna say_

_That'll talk me out of feeling this way_

_There's nothing anybody else can do_

_To take away my love for you_

"Okay what would Dumbledore's password be, Fizzing Wizzbee… nope… Cockroach Cluster… Wrong… Peanut Brittle… okay… Pixie Sticks" Sirius all but screamed he was about to continue when the gargoyle jumped aside, and Dumbledore descended the stairs.

"Ah, Mr. Black you wish to speak with me… Maybe we should wait until Mr. Lupin joins shortly." Just as he finished Remus came huffing and puffing up the stairs

"Bloody hell, that creepy. Oh sorry Headmaster." Sirius apologized.

"It's quite all right, now I believe that you wish to disuse Miss Evans correct?"

"Yes" Remus confirmed.

"Maybe we should got up to my office." He led to very confused boys up stairs.

Once they were seated around his desk his desk he had the continue.

"Well Headmaster, You know that we help Lily on the train but the thing is even thought she has been heeled we're still woired about her. We had a fight in third year an we have play some really mean pranks on her. Well today, Siri and I made up with her. She may not forgive us but that is okay for now. However, a couple of hours ago James humiliated Lily in the Grate Hall, he doesn't get that he hurt her either. This morning when we told him wanted to reconcile with Lily totally blue up"

Flash Back

"Hay, James we need to talk." Sirius began "we want to make with Lily. We don't think that she had used us."

"What in bloody hell are you on about that bitch used she royally fucked with our minds. Even before we quite speaking she was hiding things from us, like why she would disappear for hours on end she was even civil to Snivalus, and he called her a muddblood. Why would Hope lie to us what could she possibly gain fro that?" James demanded.

"You really are clueless. We have treated Lily worse in the past year and a half then all of Slythriytrin house put together. What would Lily gain from using us she's shy to the point of rude. She hated crowds she only talks to others when she absolutely had to. Remember it us six months to really get her open up to us. She would always look down at her feet whenever we would talk to her for the first whole year we knew her. "Sirius continued, "What would it hurt to at least talk to her."

"If you go talk to her… make up with her then we will no linger be friends" James stormed out leaving to very angry boys be hind.

Flash Back Ends

"Normally I do not interfere with my student's lives but this is in deed a very different suition. You wish to know why Miss Evans would disappear for hours at a time, and come back to school after brakes bloodied. She had been tutoring another student and the student asked for secrecy and Miss Evans Followed his wish. That is all I can tell for now just tire to be pasteion. But I will leave you with this. A friend is some one who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting besides you saying damn that was fun lets do it again. Now if you excuse me I must be going." And he left them to think.

They sat in sclecnie for a while. It was Remus who broke the silents "lets go to bed" they stood and left.

Mean while with James

Maybe they are right, maybe Lily did not lie what if. Aw shit I better go see if Lily will talk to me. As he reached the common room he walked it to Hope.

"Hope I have a qution for you. Was Lily really using us?" he asked her

She looked down at her feet and mumbled something untilegibe.

"What did you say?" He asked

"No, I-I-I lied. you spent so much time with her when we were going out… I never though that you start pranking her or any thing… I just… was going to tell but then we broke up and you wouldn't even speak to me." She paused to wipe the tears from her eyes. "Can you forgive me?" she aked.

"Don't talk to me" he commanded "How could you do some thing like that? Lily never did any thing to you." He left her in the middle of the common room.

_I know they mean well_

_And they're just trying to ease my mind_

_It doesn't help them to hear them say_

"Lily, please wake up I need to talk with you." James shoke her awake gently.

"huh.. Rem is that you?" she mumbled,

"No Lily it's me." Lily was shocked she never thought her father could get to her at school.

"Go away David" she screamed "I can use magic here I won't let you hurt me here." She panicked think that the mad who woke her was her father.

"Lily, what are you talking about? It's me James I wouldn't hurt I swear. I just wanted to say I was wrong and that I'm sorry I was a jerk for so long."

"What ere you talking about

Then her dream changed, she was in her bed room if you could call it that father was looming over her, a bear bottle in his hand.

"What's a' matter Lilykins don't you want to give your daddy a welcome home hug?" He asked clearly drunk.

She tried to back as far away from him as possible. "Oh, you are not going to get away that easily Lill' Lily." He smacked her so hard he made her teeth rattle.

"Daddy, please stop. Mum wouldn't have wanted you to do this." A nine-year-old Lily pleaded with her father.

"Shut up you murdering little bitch, because of you, we don't know what she would have wanted. You killed her." He threw her off her bare mattress. She tried too stand. He hit her this time with the bear bottle. Her head was bleeding; she was unconscious, barely breathing. "You deserve this. You killed my Maggie."

Lily woke with a start. She looked at the clock on the wall it was seven thirty in the morning. She was late,

When Lily finally reached the Grate Hall, the only spot open at the Gryffindor table was right in the middle. She helped her self to a small piece of toast and two slice of bacon, she knew enough not gorge her self after a three months of forced fasting.

She had almost finished when the post arrived. Not expiating anything, she was quite shocked to find an owl wit a brightly rapped paged address to her. She pulled open the ribbon. An explosion was hared threw out the hall, silencing everyone.

The plate full of eggs that had been next to Lily were dumped on her lap, the pitcher of Pumpkin juice was pored over her head, and feathers were drop from the sceling, sticking to Lily. The hall erupted in laughter.

Lily burst in to tears, her had been broken for the last time. She raced form the hall, for what she hoped would be the finale time. She caught Remus eye, he looked shocked, he doesn't think I have feelings, she thought to her self.

"Mr.'s Potter, Black and Lupin to my office now." Demanded Professor McGonagall

When they reached her office. She unlocked her and match the tree boys inside. "Sit" she commanded. "That was the most cruel thing I have ever seen. What would poses you to do such a thing. I have sat by and watched the three of touchier the other students. But you have gone to far now."

"Professor, Remus and I only helped plan this prank we didn't pull it.' Sirius tried to explain.

"That doesn't matter, you were still in on the prank. As soon as I'm done with you I want you to find Miss Evans, take her to the head masters office so that the two of them can decide whether or nor to expel the three of you."

After she had ranted for more than an hour she sent them to find Lily

_Nobody dies from a broken heart_

_Give it time, and your dreams will start again_

_I know love can tear you apart_

_But nobody dies from a broken heart_

with Lily

After Lily had fled from the Grate Hall she went to moaning Mertal bath room to clean up. While she was there, she wrote a letter. Mertal think that lily was being rude called her on it. Lily tearfully told her that she was writing her suicide letter, that she was about to killer her self.

Mean while with James

After finishing, she left her bag there and went back to the room of Requirements. Where she carefully slit her wrist and in hopes of ensuring that she would not survive plunge the knife she had congreid in to her stomach she could already feel the darkness close around her. Her final though was how she slowly died of a broken heart. She never saw the three very shocked faces.

_Blue come over_

_Born a joneser_

_And the cops roll out the radar_

_And shoot devious grins_

_Another day begins_

_I want someone to know me_

_Maybe tell me who I am_

_Cause I've faced down my demons_

_And cried out to a god_

_A god I've never seen_

_Lights_

_And the world darkens around me_

_Strange friends all surround me_

_New ideas in my head start to burn_

_Dropped out of schools cause of things I never learned_

_And the world darkens around me_

_World darkens around me_

_I want you to love me_

_Like you did before you knew me_

_And I never thought there'd be any help_

_For somebody like me_

_A vacancy_

_Sing_

_And the world darkens around me_

_Strange friends all surround me_

_New ideas in my head start to burn_

_Trust no one is the one thing that I learned_

_And the world darkens around me_

_World darkens around me_

_Bring me the sun_

_Slide off the moon_

_Yeah, you better get home soon_

_Slide off the moon_

_There's no hope for people like you and me_

_Bring me the sun, cause I slide off the moon_

_Bring me the sun_

_By 3rd eye blind_

_After they left Professor McGonagall's office_

"I don't know where she went." Remus told James in a very exasperated tone of voice. " I think we should split up and ask around. James you go to the bath room on the first floor. Sirius take the one on the second floor and I'll take they perfect bathrooms.

"why don't we just got the common room and look there?" Sirius asked.

"Because Lily didn't have the password." Remus told him. "NOW, GO "

**_James' pov_**

Why I am I looking for her I hate her… oh yah she gets to decide my punishment. Ok, I might as well start asking about her.

"Hay you have you seen a red head come this way, she was more than likely crying?" James asked a third year Ravenclaw.

"Sure she just left the bath room about ten minutes ago" the girl told him.

"Did you see which way see went?" he asked not caring.

"No, but Mertal might she seemed happy about something." She told him as she left.

James knocked lightly on the washroom door, he casually opened the door and stepped in side. "um, Mertal I 'm looking for some do know where she might have gone?"

Mertal floated threw the door looking shocked but happy none the less. "boys aren't supposed to be in here."

"I know Mertal but I'm looking for Lily Evans she has red hair and she was very up set did she come in here?" James asked.

"Oh yes, she was crying a lot I asked her what was wrong she said that her heart had been broken for the last time. I asked her what she meant by that. She said she was going to killer self, she told me as though it was the most normal thing, to kill one self. I told her she could share my toilet, but that made her cry, I was offend by that naturally but she said that it was the kindest thing any ones done for her in a while, but she said that she wanted to go to the light. She said that she has been in the dark for to long, she want to be in the sun," she took grate pried in telling James that she just noticed how sick he looked. "What wrong with you? She asked, "You looked sick."

"I fine. But do you know where she went?" he asked

"Oh yes, she went to a room that only three other people know about she wanted no interruptions this time, she went to a room she called the room of requirements… where are you going?" she demeaned . James rushed out suddenly.

He pulled out what would appear to be an ordinary looking glass he called Sirius. "Pad foot get Remus and meat me at the room of requirements. Lily gone there to kill her self."

James prayed as he ran that he wasn't to late to save her any though of hating her left his mind. He met Remus and Sirius the room of requirements and burst threw the door just as Lily slipped unconscious.

Even thought they had tried to prepare them self for what they might see they were still socked by the site.

Dose Lily live dose she die?


	8. If You're Gone

_If You're Gone_

James pulled out what would appear to be an ordinary looking glass, and he called to Sirius. "Padfoot get Remus and meet me at the room of requirement. Lily's gone there to kill herself."

James prayed as he ran that he wasn't to late to save her, any thoughts of hating her left his mind. He didn't want to be responsible for anyone's death. He met Remus and Sirius the outside room of requirement and burst through the door just as Lily slipped unconscious.

Even thought they had tried to prepare them self for what they might see they were still socked by the site.

Her wrists had been slit, and a knife was sticking out of her abdomen. Remus rushed to her side so that he could check for a pulse. He was about to reach for her wrist when Sirius stopped him "remember if you mix blood with her she becomes a were-wolf" he told him as he let go of his hand. "Fat lot of difference that makes if she's dead!" Remus practically yelled "now take off your tie and wrap it just above her cut and do the same with mine." "Damn-it James, do something don't just stand there!" Sirius yelled, "Your Mum made you learn how to do that C.P.R. thing last summer. " 

James came from his thoughts and rushed to Lily's side. He checked for a pulse, when he fond it he breathed a sigh of relief "she has A pulse but barely we have to get Lily to the infirmary." he said in a shaky voice he carefully lifted her and placed her in to Remus' arms "tack her to Madam Perfumery. Try not to jar the knife. I have to go get the head master." He bent down to Lily and whispered in to her ear "_Lily I can't lose you. I know I've screwed up and even if you don't died you'll never forgive me. I'm scared Lily don't die. I love you_. What will I do if your gone?" Once James and the others made it to the second floor they parted ways. Forchenetly every one was in class so the didn't meat any one.

_I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone.  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong  
I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure  
_

"Madame P. get out here Lily's tried to kill her self." Sirius bellowed.

"Oh good god not again." young women said as she came out off her office "put her on that bed" she pointed to a bed in the center of the room. the nurse bang to hock Lily up to machines that would monitor her breathing and hater rate. She carefully took the knife out of Lily's stomach. Her wound oozed blood. She carefully cleaned the cuts on her wrist and sealed them. She began to work on her stomach. She looked grim. "Boys I'll do very thing I can for her but she lost a lot of blood she barely breathing. I may have to cast a spell on her to make her breath." After she healed the cut in her stomach, she turned to Remus and Sirius. "Lily needs a reason to live she's giving up on life. We'll be lucky if we can get her though the night. I have do paper work and notify her father and the Headmaster. Stay with her talk to her she might come around."

Remus took a chair next to Lily's bed, he took her hand in his. And began to speck "Lily, pleas come back we love you. You've always been there for us even we weren't here for you." Remus' voices broke. A tear slide down his check and fell on Lily's cold hand.

"What is tacking James and Dumbledore so long to get back here? For all they know Lily could be dead." Sirius growled. "If I ever get my hands on James, I will kill him."

"Siri. You not helping." Said a very exasperated Remus. "And quite pacing you're driving me –." Before Remus could finish the headmaster and James entered.

"Where is Madame Perfumery?" he asked, his eyes had once angina lost there sparkle.

"She's in her office writing Lily's dad." Sriuris told him.

"James you may stay with you friends and show them the Letter from lily we found in the room of requirements." He gently told James who looked more then a little shell-shocked.

"James? Did Lily leave us a letter?" Remus asked

"Yeah," he croaked. "Dumbledore and I went back to the room of requirements and we found it next to her wand. She left one for each of us and one as a whole, one for Hagrid, her dad, Dumbledore, one for who ever found her and one for _Snape." _He said with disgust.

James gave the letter Lily had written for all of them to Remus to read aloud;

_I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - I think too much  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing_

_To my dearest Marauders,_

_One-day maybe you will realize how much you hurt me but I t want you to know that I'm not mad at the three of you. It's not your fault I killed my self. I wanted to be free so badly. You all just gave me the finial push. I for give you for the pranks, some were unbelievably mean, they broke my heart. I'm grateful for the year and a half we were friends. That time was the happiest of my life. All of you gave me hope that my life could be more than what it was and I thank you for that. However, I truly believe that every one would be better off with out me._

_With all my love_

_Lily _

"God, how could we have been so mean to her and she still loved us." Remus stopped to wipe a tear from his face. Sirius looked like he wanted to throw him self out a window, had remained very quite. James was a pasty gray. "James can we have our letters." Remus asked, "Should we read them aloud?"

The other two nodded.

James handed each of them their letter. James went to the window seat over looking the lake, and Sirius sat down on the Remus, still sitting on the chair next to Lily's bed opened his letter, began to read;

_Dearest Remus,_

_Thank you for being my friend and confidant, I was able to tell you things that I've never been able to tell any one else but there were many things that I wasn't able to tell, wet you never pressed me to tell and I thank you for that as well. I want you to know that no matter what any one says, you are not the monster that you think you are._

_With all my love_

_Lily_

Sirius began to read his letter;

_Dearest Sirius;_

_I know that when we became friends that it had been just part of our deal, I help you in charms and you be my friend but you became more than just a friend you became like a brother to me. You made me laugh, when I cried you wiped a way my tears. Please don't listen to your family when they tell you're worthless. You are worth your weight in gold. _

_With all my love_

_Lily_

Sirius smiled as he came to the end. They had fallen silent for a moment, when a shrieking alarm went off it was Lily's heart monitor. The rushed to her side. Madame Perfumery. "get out now she ordered. I'll come get you when I know more.

James stuffed his letter in to his pocket as the headmaster all but threw them out.

_  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you _

_Lily's Mind_

"_Lily," a soft voice called. "Dear you have to go back. It's not your time to die." The voice came from a woman. Lily looked around she was sitting on what looked to be platform with clouds swirling on ether side of her._

"_Who are you?" Lily asked the red haired woman, "how do you know that it's not may turn to die I've wanted to for years."_

"_Lily dear, I'm your mother, Maggie" the woman told her. "I've been watching over you science the day you were born. We were born to do grate thing you must go back."_

"_But, mum what kind of life will o go back to. One friend, whom I hurt every time I come back to school black and blue?" lily asked her mother. She didn't want her mother to know that her father beat her._

"_Lily three young men will miss with all of their hearts. Would you like to see what would happen if you do died?" Lily nodded._

"_Lily, this what happens when they find out you've died." Her mother told her. The next thing lily knew she was standing in the infirmary listening to Madame _Perfumery_ inform the Marauders of her death._

_"Boys I'm so sorry to tell but there was nothing I could do her heart gave out". The woman said to them as she whipped a tear from her face. James was staring blankly out the window Remus was shaking with repressed sobs and Sirius looked like he was lost._

_"Could we be alone with Lily for a while?" Sirius asked. "To say good by I mean."_

_"Of course dears." She a greed what else could she say, she turned and left._

_Once the nurse left Sirius took Lily's cold life-less hand in his. "oh Lily, gods I'm so sorry I made your life hell. You should hate me I deserve it. I know what you said in your letter about me not being worth-less but your wrong I'm a no good waste of skin I should be dead not you." He gently lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her good by for the last time. He placed her hand by her side and left. _

_Once Remus had clamed down a bit he went to lily and placed a kiss on her for-head. "Good bye Lily love, and your wrong only a monster could door what I've done to you." You were a wonder full person and you did not deserve thi." He too left, leaving James alone with her._

"_Gods, Lily, why would you do this you had so much to live for. What am I saying I made your life hell here. I made you give up on life, I broke your sprit. But Lily I love-loved you. You made my life bright. You light up every room you walked in to until we destroyed you sprit. Lily you are-were the love of my life. I'll never for get you. Nothing will ever be the same without you my love." He kissed her on her pale lips as a tear ran down his face and one to hers. "I finally get up the courage to kiss you, to tell you how I really feel about you. And you'll never know." He sat down in the chair next to her just to stare at her. After about ten minutes the school nurse back _

"_James dear I need to prepare Lily for her funeral." She told him gently._

"_No!" he shouted, "your not going to put her the ground I wont let you bury her. Don't take my Lily please." He finally broke down._

"_James, dear this must be done." She waved her wand and lifted Lily off her blood socked bed and took her to a closed room to begin all the while James was shouting "not my Lily. Don't take my Lily" repeatedly._

_I bet you're hard to get over  
I bet the room just won't shine  
I bet my hands I can stay here  
I bet you need - more than you mind  
_

_Then Lily was back with her mother. She wiped a tear form her eye._

"_Would you like to see more?" asked Maggie Lily shook her head "I'll go back."_

_  
I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much  
I can't relate and that's a problem  
I'm feeling  
_

"_Boys I'm so sorry to tell but there was nothing I could do her heart gave… my gods.'' A girl whom had been legally declared dead more then five minutes a go had groaned._

_  
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you _

I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much  
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

**Should I continue? Please review. Thank you. Even though it's annoying to review, it helps the author to let you know what you think of the story.**


	9. Chapter 9

I know I said I would update as soon school let out and then I didn't, well I have a good reason for that. Finals were a lot of stress to say the least and I kind of lost it. I sang "IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT" to my brother's baseball coach. After I gave my prestion for English I convinced myself that everyone in my class was going to fail me. During my history final, I began to sob and scream about how I didn't give a damn who won the French Revolution and that I hate french fries (Napoleon), and that Henry 8th could screw the Mona Lisa for all I cared. I also told my math teacher to go t hell and I would rather take the damn F the suck up any more. So I wasn't allowed near a computer until I relaxed, and then I got a job so I've been busy this summer

* * *

"_Boys I'm so sorry to tell but there was nothing I could do her heart gave… my god.'' A girl whom had been legally declared dead more then five minutes a go had groaned._

The four of them were in state of shock Lily had been declared dead more than ten minutes ago and she was stirring and begging to talk in her sleep. They watched Lily and silently prayed that this wasn't a sick joke from above.

Lily slept completely unaware of the events about to take place in her life, or of the torment three young men, siting by her side were going through while the watched the nurse set about running even more tests.

"My lord," said a very shocked Madame Pomfrey. "H-how is this possible?" she no one in particular, not moving just staring at the previously dead Lily Evans. Her eye glued to Lily's sleeping form.

The Marauders were dumb struck. How was this possible they saw Lily rake her last breath?

Remus was the first to come out of the shared stupor. "**_Don't just stand there like a ninny, do some thing!" _**he roared at the nurse horribly frightened. She snapped her around and gawked at the normally docile Remus and he glared at her in return.

It was James who spoke next, "ma'am, he's right you should make sure that Lily's all right."

"Of course," her voice wobbled "you three wait out in the hall for me to get you." She demanded knowing full well that they wouldn't leave until she gave Lily a clean bill of health. She began to bustle about gathering potions to aid in healing Lily.

The Marauders went out to the hall where they bumped in to the Head Master and Professor McGonagall, who was all but holding Hagrid up her self, no small feet for a women her size.

McGonagall eyes had become blood shot, as if she had been crying. She looked twenty years older, she nodded to then them and began inspecting her shoes. Hagrid was wiping away his tears with a handkerchief the size of a table cloth. Professor Dumbledore looked grim like he had the whole world on his shoulders

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, I am very sorry about Miss Evans, I know that at one time she was very close with all of you. I will allow the three of you and Mr. Snape to take time of from classes and attend her funeral. I have sent the letter Miss Evans left for her father, along with one from Madame Pomfrey explaining what happened to his daughter. He shall arrive tomorrow to collect her and her things." Hagrid began to sob, Professor Dumbledore took a deep breath and was about to continue when Sirius tried to interrupt him. Professor Dumbledore merely held up his hand and started to speak aging. "I gave Professor Slughorn the letter Miss Evans wrote for Mr. Snape. He will give it to him when he returns from Hogsmead, and tell him what happened."

"Sir," this time Remus tried to speak to the head master. "It's Lily, she alive, sir."

Hagrid choked and his sobs subsided almost instantly. McGonagall's head snapped up, her face full of hope. Professor Dumbledore looked angry and confused. "Mr. Lupin… Remus I understand that how upset you must be. But, I was there when Madame Pomfrey stopped the resuscitation attempts. I was the one who pronounced her dead. Lillian Evans is dead."

"Sir, we were saying good-bye, when she started breathing." James finely spoke. "She's alive."

"Minerva, perhaps you should take Hagrid down to the Three Broomsticks for a nice mug of mead and I will join you there shortly, but first I must speak to Poppey," suggested Professor Dumbledore.

"Yes, of course, Albus," Professor McGonagall replied, as she tried a failed to support Hagrid's mass. "There, there, Hagrid. Lily will be all right." She soothed the still upset gentle giant, as she led him towards the entrance hall.

Professor Dumbledore went in to speak with the still shell shocked nurse. The Marauders being the Marauders, tried to listen in.

"I don't know how to explain any of this, after you left to send the letters to her father, I let in Potter, Black and Lupin, to say good bye. And. And. She started breathing aging more than five minutes."

Dumbledore asked something, but all they could make out was the reply he received from the shrill nurse, "Yes, she resting comfortably, I gave her a blood replenishing potion. I think that once her father arrives here tomorrow we should ask his permission to have a ward placed on her alerting us to any attempts she may take on her own life."

"I agree, from what gathered from her letter this was not the first time she's tried to commit suicide." he paused to take a breath before he continued. "Her letter said that the only reason she had made it this far in life was Severus Snape, he had apparently been there for her when no one else was. She said that there were many things that she couldn't even talk to him about either. She said that were things that she would take to her grave, and from the way her attempted suicide was carried out she was determine that time come very soon."

"Oh, Albus." The nurse gasped. "What did her letter read?"

"It's horribly formal, like she didn't think that I would care that one of my brightest students had just ended her own life. But I think what has me must upset is that the letter I received is rather warn as if things had been this bad for her for quite some time." He tried to dissuade her.

"Please read it Albus!" she persisted.

' _Dear, Head Master,'_ he rented and began to read the letter.

'_Sir, I am very sorry but my life as become unbearable and. I no longer wish to live. Sir the only reason I made it this far was Severus, he has thwart every attempt I've made, I whish I could hate him, I want to hate him, but I cannot. When Professor Flitwick asked me to tutor him I charms, I agreed and when he asked me to keep it a secret I, once again, agreed. After the only friends I had abounded me for greener pastures, he become my savoir of sorts, he wrote me letters during the holidays, and held my wrist until the stopped bleeding enough for him to heal them. Thought there were many things I could never tell him he never forced the issue. Please help him understand that none of this was his fault and that he couldn't help me that by the time he became my friend that I was already to far gone. I have written this in his letter but I know him he will blame himself. and please look after the_ _Marauders too, they were my best friends, but they might not understand why I chose to do what I did and if by some chance they feel guilty please tell them that they had give the best two years ever but . I wrote this in their letter too, but well lets face they are unbelievably thick. '_

He paused with a small smile on his lips, "even at her darkest hours she thought only of others."

He continued reading Lily's letter

'_Sir I hope that its ok if I ask a favor of you, my older brother Mark left home a few years ago to become an Aura, hew was nine years old than me, and I haven't seen him in scenic he left home. He lives outside a village called Raven Hollow and would like it if you could send him my broom stick. He gave it to me when I made the house team with James Remus and Sirius. He was really prod of me. I was also hoping that you could see to it that Hagrid got my owl, Pixie Stick. _

_Thank you, _

_Lillian M. Evans_

"Oh, my that poor girl and I would bet that there was more going on than what she said in her letters." The nurse all but whispered, as she wiped a way tear.

* * *

This chapter is half done but I think I made you all wait long enough for it and I hope that you will for give me for taking so long in getting it done. 


	10. Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I'll post another chapter next week.

"Oh, my that poor girl and I would bet that there was more going on than what she said in her letters." The nurse all but whispered, as she wiped a way tear.

"Why didn't she come to any one for help?" The nurse asked

"She was a very privet person, she rarely even spoke in class, expect for her the second half of her first year to the first half of her third year. The Marauders, as they liked to called, and Lily had become quite close until I and Fidelus asked her to tutor Regulus Black and Severus Snape in charms."

"Why, what happened?"

"They were quite embarrassed about having to be tutored by anyone much less a muggle born Gryffindor." Explained the wary head master. "Regulus Black espially since he was in his fifth year and about to take his O.W.L.'s exams."

"So why would that cause a rife between them?"

"Well, Lily, even though her father was quite well off he's only willing to take care of her basic needs, had to find away to take care of her other expenses and Regulus and Severus were not only will to pay for her help but for her secrecy. From what little Lily has said to me, I have gathered that when she started to go missing for hours at a timethe Marauders became suspicious and fowled her one night. They found her laughing with Regulus and Severus, the Marauders, of course demanded to know what was going on, Lily knowing what could happen to Regulus if word of him being tortured by her reached his family or his House did the only this she's ever known how to do, and that was protect him. I know that keeping everything a secret she suffered greatly for it. One of her roommates even created a fake diary to help along the Marauders suspicions." The head master shook his.

"How horrible for her but, why would you know all of this?"

"Before Lily had become so with drawn Lily and I probably had been closer than a head master and one of his students should be, however when I found out of this it was to late to retrieve her from her shell. Now she only speaks to Hagrid and Severus." 

Aload crash was heard as the infirmary doors swung open. "Where the hell is s, where the hell is Lily. And why the hell didn't any one come get me and tell me that my best friend may be dying." Severus demanded to know.

"Calm down Severus." Dumbledore tried to soothe the distraught student.

**"Shut up you old bat**. I had to hear from a bloody house elf down the kitchens when I was t-t-t-r-r-r-rying to get to get an apple pie for her." He sank to his keens and buried his face in his hand. Dumbledore let his hand rest on his shoulder. "She got out a day early. I want to surprise her with it. It's her favorite you know."

"Sevvy? Why are you crying?" Croaked a very horse Lily. Severus Sprang from the floor to Lily's bedside and rapped his arms around her.

"Lily. Lord and Merlin Lily. Why Lily why? We talked about this the last time. Never ever let them or any one get to you. You need to rest what are you doing a wake any way?"

"You were welling and it sounded like him."


	11. Chapter 11

I know it hae been ages sicne i lat was able to up date and i want to say i'm sorry. Iwant you to know that i have been working on writing i just have not had the time or the engry to type the four almost five chters i have writen. I have had a lot of family and pressonal issues that have been draing but they have ginving a reson to write.

please dont rat me out for posting this note as i will take it down when i post next week druing my soring brake. I will not be able to work on things right now as term finals are next week.

Missing Fairy are you still willing to beta read for if so pleas re send me adress as it got lost in chale inter ent acounts. alos was it this one or my other that you were helping me with?

If you had been the one betaing this for please don't feel bad as just last weak i forgot how to spell my own last name. just let me know.

Jessie

p.s. please please pleasedont trun me in it will be just a few day till i have time work on ty a new chapter.


	12. the black book

This has not been beta'd yet but as soon as i get the chapter back i will chang it.I just wanted to get this up

**_

* * *

_**

"Shut up you old bat_. I had to hear from a bloody house elf down the kitchens when I was t-t-t-r-r-r-rying to get to get an apple pie for her." He sank to his keens and buried his face in his hand. Dumbledore let his hand rest on his shoulder. "She got out a day early. I want to surprise her with it. It's her favorite you know." _

_"Sevvy? Why are you crying?" Croaked a very horse Lily. Severus Sprang from the floor to Lily's bedside and rapped his arms around her. _

_"Lily. Lord and Merlin Lily. Why Lily why? We talked about this the last time. Never ever let them or any one get to you. You need to rest what are you doing a wake any way?" _

_"You were welling and it sounded like him." _

* * *

"Lily you need to rest you and Severus can speak tomorrow or when you return from you fathers in a week. He be here to collect by morning" The startled commanded as she forced a sleeping drought down her throat thinking Lily grimaced at the taste and not fear of her father. 

"Severus go to bed there is nothing you can do." Pleaded lily as she fell asleep.

"Miss Evans is right, go to your dorm." Spoke an very quite professor Dumbledore.

"Yes sir." He grumbled on his way out.

"Poppy I trust you have Lily ready to leave by half past eight when her father arrives." Dumbledore inquired before retreat out the door.

She nodded and dosed the lights and fled to he office to update her notes and files.

Of the two who knew how badly things would end only one dreading the arrival of David Evans.

* * *

In the Gryffindor tower, only three boys remained awake though it was well past one in the morning. The three were longing on the beds staring blankly at the tops of their beds. 

"Can you believe how much we fucked up?" Remus asked no one in pitculraer.

"We didn't fuck up as much as James." Sirius declared. "He put the plan in to action even though we asked him not to."

"So, we helped him plan it remember."

"Oi, James you never read the letter lily left for you."

The boy who until now remained silent groaned. "It is in my pocket."

"Well get it out" commended Sirius.

While James fiddled with his pockets, Sirius complained of being hungry. "Well rummage through your trunk you usually have food in there left from the train and porbly some thing left over form our lat trip to Honydukes." Commented Remus.

"But it has been over a week since we got here and days since we when to Hogsmead." He wined.

"Yes but you haven't touched your trunk. Not even to unpack." Remus reasoned.

Nodding his head in agreement. He sat up and crawled to the end of his bed and pulled open his trunk and began to dig though the jumbled mess of prank supplies until he found an bar of Hunnydukes best chocolate. Mid-digging he shouted "Oi James what's taking so long? Dose little jimmy want to play poke the pickle? if so we can go get Snivelly for you."

"You sick mutt. I have a lot of stuff in my pocket" James through his pillow at him knocking Sirius of his bed, hit his knee on a little black book.

"Oi that hurt." Sirius then through the book at James landing in his pile of stuff.

"Shut up so I can read you lily's letter."

"Well get on with it."

Dear James.

You were a great friend while it lasted. I know there were thing that should have told you. Like that tutored for extra money. And showed you my real diary not that fake thing that hope price gave you. But if your were truly my friend you would have given me the benefit of the doubt. But you did not so that makes me wonder if you were truly my friend. If you were truly my friend you have at least given me a chance to explain my self. You would have told the whole of Gryffindor that no one was to befriend me least they suffer the same as I.

I should hate you, you know, but I cannot, I have not felt anything but pain since the pranks stared. You know I always saw pain and hate in your eyes after a prank. Mostly hatred, you should work on that I would not want you to die young because you had a heart attack or stroke or some thing.

This is really hard, you know. What am I thinking you would never write a final letter and leave it behind for your friends to find after you have killed your self. I do want you to know that this is interiorly me. I do not want you to blain your self for not knowing that I wanted to die. Someone heartless would be happy if not pleased that they had had so much effect on me that I killed my self. I know you, you look out for your friends know matter what and the littlest sign of betrayal cuts you to the core. My suicide was my thing you did not hold the knife to my wrist or whatever method I tried this time that finally worked.

Did I ever tell you, you brood to much? It all most sickens me to see some one so young look grumpy and frankly looking like he is constantly stuck in P.M.S. mode. Litton up a little ok. You do not want wrinkles for the rest of your life do you?

Now in the event that all you can feel for me at the time you are reading this letter all you can feel for me is strong dislike. Pleas do not petty the insane ramblings of a severely depressed girl. I had fun hanging out with you guys. You guys did not make me to kill my self just gave the little extra shove I needed to end the hell I was living. You did not bring this on just prolonged the inevitable. I thank you for all of the joy that you helped bring to my life.

Lily

"Your letter was longer but she seamed disconnected for her self" Remus stated.

"Hey mutt was this your book?" James asked idly.

"No" Sirius responded when realizingion hit him. "it was the book I found on the train"

"So lets read it… besides it not any of us are going to sleep any time soon."

"The first page says this is the diary of Lily Marie Evans." James read aloud "here is a poem"

"Well read it" Remus urged.

I walk alone

Lost hopes and dreams

Scare this empty path

I walk alone

Chased by shadows

Lost in the darkness

Don't know were to turn

No one knows I'm lost

I can't send a S.O.S

So I walk alone

Down this empty path

With my broken dreams be hind me

July 21, 1965

_Dear diary, _

_Mark gave me you for my birthday he said that I was magical and the only one who can read you beside me are the ones I love the most. He said that I could also use you forever and never run out of pages. Tomorrow is my eleventh birthday and mark was the only one to give me gift… unless you can count what daddy gave me… a broke rib and a black eye… at least I think the rib is broken I have had so many of them it's easy to tell. He came home drunk and saw me untying the letter that came for Mark from his school on an owl. _

_Anyway, back to how you came to be mine. Mark came home from babysitting at the Potters (they are a magical family) carrying a box wrapped with a green bow and said "here you go lily-bean write all you thoughts it this so while I'm at school you have some one to talk to." He was smiling so much, but it was odd normally when he talks about leaving me behind when he goes school to he gets mad or sad. That when the owl arrived and her asked me to retrieve it for him and the daddy saw me with the owl. He stared yelling at me and calling me horrible names and hitting me as well I'm not sure what I did but I'm sure I deserved it. I never got to untie the letter because the owl flew away. _

_Latter when mark was cleaning me up I asked about the owl and he said that it would try aging tomorrow he also said that there would be another surprise then as well. _

_I guess you want to know more about me. My name is Lillian Marie Evans. But my dad calls me murdering bitch, murder and murder and a slue of other names that should not be thought let alone said or written. You see he blames me for my mother's death. She died right after I was born so I never got to know her. I do not even know what she looked like. I have imagined what she looked a lot. Mark said she looked like. So imagine that she was tall and had emerald green eyes and flaming auburn hair. With just a few freckles. I do not have any friends just you and mark but I guess that is a good thing. I do not know how to be a friend and would be to afraid that they might found out that I killed my mum. _

_Mark is my half brother. My father was married once before he met my mum and they, his first wife had Mark and Petunia. Then she, his first wife, left him. Mark is a wizard you know and he thinks that I will get a letter like he did so I can go away to his school, Hogwarts, and be safe and learn magic like he dose. Mark is the best big brother ever. He stood up to daddy once for me but daddy broke his jaw. Daddy said that if Mark ever told any one what he dose to me that I would be killed. _

_Daddy hates me because it my fault that mum is dead. He punishes me at random intervals for things I did wrong or chores that I forgot to do. But it is okay that he dose not love me. I love him enough for the both of us. I am not really supposed to call him anything but sir. And the less I cry while I am being punished the less he hits me. Some times I have bad thoughts and must punish my self form them as well. Daddy is happy to let me punish my self some times he is nice enough to remind me to punish my self. I think it is because he wants me to atone for my sins now so I wont have to after I die. _

_Now diary do not get me wrong. I only get punished when I deserve to be punished. And if you think abut it, really, I should be in jail. He is right you know when he tells me that it is my fault mum is dead. I just hope they can for give me for it. Mum, for her life ending and daddy, for killing the love of his life, I mean. _

_Lily _

_July 22, 1970 _

_Dear Dairy, _

_Oh you will never guess when mark started hollering for me I thought it was to worn me that daddy was home. But I was wrong. I got a letter. I am going to Hogwarts I will be a first year. Mark said that he would be starting his sixth year. He is going to ask Mrs. Potter if we can go shopping with her and her son James and his friends Remus and Sirius. _

_Mark said I would need a wand and a caldron. Mark also said that he or Mrs. Potter with have to take me shopping for muggle close. When I asked, what a muggle was he said that a muggle was non-magic people and that mean I am a muggle-born and that mean I was born to muggle parents. _

_Mark showed me a list of every thing I would need and he said, "Not to worry Lily-bean. My mum set money aside for you and me both when she found out that I was a wizard she thought that there was a chance that you would be witch and she new father would never pay for the stuff I needed let alone what you needed." _

_I never met his mother but I think she sound wonderful to care about whether or not I can afford to go to school. _

_Mark said I must get an owl even if I do not use it to send letter I must have a pet of some sort. He said I must pick put a name for it. He suggested that come up with a list of names and see which one fits it best. I really like the name Pixie sticks. It the name of a candy the Mark brings me home _

_Mark just came in to tell me to get ready so we can floo to the Potters house. What ever that means. Any way he thinks it will easier to leave if we go when dad is out. _

_Oh, bloody hell he has just arrived home. I have to go now or I will never get to go. _

_Lily _

_July 29, 1970 _

_Dear Dairy, _

_Oh dairy I know it has been ages since I wrote. My hand hurt to much to write. When daddy found out I was leaving he said I could purgatory only once I have died and then only I so I could let the flames of hell eat a way at my flesh. Pretty graphics huh? _

_After daddy started hitting me Mark… well I am intererly sure what mark did but it was like he was stunned or some thing and the next thing I know is Mark pushing me it to the fire place and shouting Potter Manor. Then waking up in a really big bed yesterday. When mark came in to see me he said he told Mrs. Potter that in my hurry to go to Diagon Ally I had triped and fell down the stairs. Which I guess is why James and his friend asked me I was klutz. _

_That rather hurt my feelings. But what really hurt was when they told me to stay a way form them at school and to pretend that I did not know them. I thought that it might have been because I was a grill but mark told me once that some witches and wizard would not like me because I am a muggle born but then I saw them getting a long famously with Mark. I guess they know that I killed my mum and might be afraid that I might kill their mums as well. Or may they do not think I should be aloud to walk free. _

_Lily _

James paused "I never knew she thought that. Let that blamed her self For he mums death."

"Forget that mate she is abused be her dad how could she have had kept that a secret when she was the one to have helped me when my dad was knocking me around" Sirius spoke almost angrily. I was supposedly her friend, how could she not tell me?"

"It is not your fault. Her diary said that she thought we would blame her and any she thought she was atoning for her sins." Remus spoke quietly "please read more James."

"she was frickin brain washed by that sick bastred. Punishing herself form a crime she didn't commit." James looked sick "and these are just the first entries. I wonder how much worse it could get"

_July 29, 1970 _

_Dear Diary, _

_I just got back from Diagon Ally, and oh it was magnifsant. I have never had so much fun. but the fun did not last. It never dose. Mrs. Potter bought us all ice cream at Florentines and when I got up to go to the restroom James tripped me. When I fell in to this boy that looked like he was about to wet him self. He looked so much like a rat it was scary. He had beady eyes and was almost bold, he a bit pudgy to. He even squeaked when he spoke. (a/n but you can't guess who) Well he pushed me off him and I landed in my in my ice cream sundae. He said the he hoped my father punishes me severely and I swear Marks was going to kill. _

_I ran to the bathroom, in tears no less, to clean up and I scratched my arm on something so bad it gushed blood ever were. But I did not really mind. It felt… I don't know… good sort of. _

_Well Mrs. Potter drug me out of the bathroom and cleaned me up with a swish of he wand and even healed my cut. But I was left with a scare. She told the boys to take our things back to the manor. I said goodbye to my pet owl. She is a chocolate brown with black spots and green eyes. I did indeed name her Pixie Sticks. _

_Mrs. Potter took me shopping at a muggle mall and bought me al sots of things that could never afford. but she said it was I gift from my mothers best friend, and when I asked whom she meant she laughed a bit and said she was my mums friend be fore she went to Hogwarts and that they had been neighbors until my father moved us after her death. She said look like her, mum I mean, most esplily my eyes. _

_You should see all of the wonderful things I got. My wand is suppose to be good charms Mister Olivander was so nice and he said he had been looking foreword to giving me my wand. I scales and a caldron and robes and uniforms and lots of books since they used the same book mark used as first year, Mark is going to let me use hi old ones and let me buy books to read with the money we would have spent on new ones. _

_  
Mrs. Potter is really nice I hope my mum was just like her. Oh my god I can not just believe I wrote that. That is the most horrible thing I ever could have said about mother. Espiahly since it is my fault she is dead. I will have to punish my self for that. _

_It sad diary tomorrow I will have to go home until September 1st. It will be a while be fore I can write again. Daddy is going to be so mad I left. _

_Lily _

"We have to tell Dumbledore" James looked completely outraged. It was as if he had forgotten that he had made Lily's life a living hell at school, much less that it had been two years since he had spoken a civil word to her.

"James, it is three in the morning its late Dumbledore is likely asleep. Lets get some sleep and we will tell him tomorrow" as if to prove Remus' point loud snore came from the seventh year.

"fine we got to him tomorrow when we get up. Sirius set the alarm for noon" James flicked his wand.

Not knowing that they would be to late.

Sorry this took so long. It had the words counted and this is my second longest chapter at 3359. In the font used on the site it was almost seven pages long. Some one asked what song I used for chapter seven, it was **No body dies from a broken heart **by Reba Mcentire.


	13. Memories part 1

As James laid awake, as other marauders drifted off to sleep, he began to think. He thought of the last two years, the two years that he and the other marauders tortured and belittled lily the only girl he ever really loved. Sure he had girlfriends, he'd had quite a lot really, but lily was an enigma. She got under his skin and wouldn't leave him. As first a year she was a frightened little girl whom had tripped in to him at the train station and had shared a compartment with Peter, Remus, Sirius, and himself.

That night as they crossed the lake she had held his hand so tight he thought for sure his hand would be broken because she had never learned to swim, he had promised her that he would never let anything bad happen to her. If only he had known, what happened when she went home, he would do anything in his power to spare her any pain.

When he was sorted in to Gryffindor the only voice he could make out amongst those cheering for him was lily's, happy that she would have at least one friend in her house. She tailed him and the other trough out that year. Always on the fringe of the boys little group but never faraway always willing to help them learn a spell or charm, and explain a potion to them. Hell half of the pranks that year would not have been possible without her.

She had left the school that year for Christmas and had come back spotted with bruises. When asked at first she claimed that she was just clumsy but when pressed by remus and Sirius she very pointedly said that she didn't force them to explain anything they didn't want to discus. As each boy had their own secretes to hid they never pressed her again.

The boys had olwed her over the summer but received few if any replies, just quick notes of hello and such. Most of the letters he had gotten were hastily written, the script jerky and not at all like her immaculate hand writing. If he rembered right one even looked like it had a bloody thumb print on it, something at the time he hadn't given much thought to.

James got out of bed and when to his trunk to retrieve the box he kept all of his letters from ones he thumb through the ones on top, the ones he received from her after he had quit speaking her. The ones in which she had begged him to forgive, to tell her why he and the others hated her, they were tear stained and shaky as if they had been written as she cried, but James knew that some of the tear marks were his. They had been too painful to read at the time and even more so now that he knew truth. But he couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of anything from her for even then he knew that he loved her, perhaps that's was why her suopesd betrayal had stung so much.

Once he found the frist few he had gotten from her one sent during Christmas of their first year and the one sent the following summer, he began to read.

James

Thank you for the gift you sent me. I abouslty love it. A cant believe you were able to get a first edition autographed copy of Hogwarts a history. I hope remus gave you your gift from me I left it in his care as I didn't trust that you wouldn't try to open before Christmas morning, not that you could have because the wrappings were charmed so you couldn't open it before the 25th anyway. By the way we should use that charm on malfoy for your next prank, I found the spell in the book I got for Remus. I hope he doesn't mind that I marked some rather useful spells and charms in for him. I'm sure peter thinks I'm bonkers for send him a caldron for a gift but I've charmed in and cast a few spells on it so it cant blow up on him.I hope siruis find the beater bat I got him useful. It's the newest model and its used by the chudly canons.

Its probly best if you don't write again though my dad's a muggle and he doesn't like it when mark and I have owls flying about the house and such.

I'll see you when in get back to Hogwarts next week.

Lily

Its funny, but james had never noticed that the letter was dotted with wax drippings, almost as if she had written the letter at night to hid it from someone. Her father, james guessed as he moved on to the next letter.

James

My summers going well been busey you, doing all of the summer homework that mcgonagall and binns asinged us. I got flitwicks done befor we left school. Of course ill help petter with the potions esay when we get back on the train.

You know I live in muggle surry so I have not been able to practice flying at all. I think beside the four of you I miss flying the most out of everything. i saw snape yesterday afternoon when I went to the park, its hard to imagine he and I used to be such good friends but its been ages since he and I have spoken it almost feels like we are strangers . as you and the others don't get along with him, I find it hard to remain close with him.

Mark gets the daily prophet sent to him I cannt bleive the vances were murdered last week. I happy to hear that Emialine survived the atck, she s just two years a head of us at school. There were to muggle killings as well that were link to you-know-who as well.

That reminds me how is Sirius doing I haven't heard from him at all. I hope his mum isn't being too harsh on him. Quite a piece of work she is. I hope that being friends with me dosent get him in to any more truble with her.

Im happy to hear you like your birthday gift, I know its not very original but I thought that a first aid kit might come in handy so you don't have to go the school nurse when you or one of the others get hurt playing a prank it should make it less obiuss , and help make it harder for you all to get caught.

Ill see you the on train September frist.

Lily

p.s. hows remus he looked a bit peeky that last time I saw him at platform 9 ¾ last spring.

James smirked at that for he knew that by then lily had already figured out that remus was a werewolf by then. She really was the brightest witch of their year.

James picked up the next letter from lily, he frowned it was the one with the bloody thumb print.

James,

Yes I m sorry its been so long scince I wrote, but er… well things here are not so great. Mark ran away, well he left really, hes of age so he didn't need dad say so to leave, but then you should know that as he went to your house but he said he would come get me for school. I cannt belive that hes going to be headboy this year. I wish I could have gone with him but dad wouldn't let that happen for he hates all things magical.

I fine really you don't need to come help save me I quite all right just a bit frazzeled.

Oh bugger dads up I most send this now or I wont be able to send it at all.

Lils

Face creased in to a frown james wised he had made mark tell him what was going on at the evans house hold. Lily might have been spared years of agony.

He began to read the last letter he had from that year.

James

NO! you can NOT come over to see me my dad wouldn't allow it. No I cannot go with you to see the chudly canon match next week dad would outraged if I asked, hes been in a foul mood since marsk left last month.

Ill see you in two weeks, please don't write me agin though as the owls make dad cross

L. E.

James groaned how different thing might have been had he been just a little smarter. For he had recived similar letter from Sirius all the time, but it was easy to see how he had missed it lily rarely talk of home at school in fact she rarely spoke at all, she was so shy. James smiled, as he remember lily really only seemed to be alive when she was with at least one of the marauders.

He remember how, when they came back for their second year lily was skittish and fearful, so afraid in fact, that it seemed as if she was asfraid of her own shadow. But james had attributed it the recent death eather attacks near her home.

James rember how close lily and remus became that year, remus latter told james that she had finely confessed to knowing that he was a werewolf. Remus ofcorses had been shocked that she had figured out his furry little seacret, he had gone to grate links to hide his condision from everyone. Remus had become depressed that year for he had desiced that it would be in everyones best interests if he quit speeking to them so that might live normal live and to keep them getting killed or worse bitten.

Lily had been so distraught when remus quit speeking to her she moped for days barely ate and spoke even less then she ordinarly had. Finely the morning after the full moon lily cornerd remus in the hospital wing and informened him that she didn't care that he was werewolf and that he had better think twice if he thought that he could get rid of her so easily.

James smirked if he remember correctly remus had come back from visting his "sick mother" with a black eye that he later told James had come from lily losing her temper, he explained why he had stoped speaking to his friends. She had told him he was a bloody fool and should pull his head out of his ass and tell his friends the truth. Aprently that conversation had led to remus telling the boys the truth in there third year though how he had continue to keep it a secaret for so much longer was beyond james. Truth be told though james nor Sirius were shocked to find out what remus was as they had long suspected something was up with remus.

Second year was a good year for the five friends, it was the year James, Sirius, and lily joined the Gryffindor house team. James was given the family invisibility cloak. Many pranks were pulled, planed in large part by lily and Remus. It was also the year lily brought up the idea of becoming illeagal animagus so that they could be with remus when he transformed every full mom.

Lily was able to stay at Hogwarts that year for Christmas, many snowball fights were won and lost, hot coco was drunk by the fireside. With few students staying behind that year it was easy to explore, marauders and lily found the secret passageway in to honydukes and a great deal of sweets were nicked that Christmas season as well. When hiding from filtch they found the room of requirements, it filled itself with spell books and prank supplies, and sweets likes of witch not even honydukes could hope create.

Evan Rosier and bellatrix black syliverins in their year took exception to the four purebloods friendship with lily and took great pride in tormenting her. James remember that nary a day went by without lily having some slight miss fortune. A ripped bag here, a missing easy there. By easter she was eundring triping jinxes, and hexes in the halls between classes but never once said a word because she feared that Sirius wpould take reveng and get in to a fight with his cussin and get in to more trouble with his mother. She never cried. James knew that lily would gladly carry any burden just to spare her friends.

It wasn't until they were almost finished with finals that year that they found out what had been happing. lily had been studing alone by the lake when she was corned by a group of second and third year sylthirins, lily had fought back as best she could but a ruducto curse sent her way had landed her in the black lake had Hagrid not herd lilys screams she would have drowned.

Dumbledore had tried to expel the offenders after they had recovered from their injuries from their attack on Lily and the retribution brought on by the marauders but their praentes were school goveners or had the goveners to frightened to agree to the punishment.

As james moved on to the lettesr from the summer after their second year he paused, there was only one letter from that summer. It was short and aburbet.

James yes ill meet you all in diagon ally August 29th. I fine but please stop writing me, the constant owls make my father furious.

Flower

A small smile reached james lips, Flower was the nick-name Peter had given Lily. Things had changed so much that summer. When they met up at diagaon ally, lily had, well she had blossomed almost overnight gone was the akword knobby kneed little girl and replaceing her was a beautiful young women. She had never been mor vivacious then she was that day, she was never more outgoing, laughing and jokeing in ways she naver had before. She was so bubbuly and so full of energy she could hardly stay still.

"_James Peter. Over here" Lily shouted from her place by flourish and blots. "Oy. Sirius Remus, I'm over here." She was waving to them, grinning at them, she left marks side and nearly jumped in to Sirius's out starched arms._

_Sirius had scooped lily up in his arms and spun her around in circles "lilykins! Merlin's bread I've missed you." He shouted over her shirks of fained protest, and giggles of delight. _

"_put me down, your squishing me Sirius" Lily gasped for breath as he set her back on her feet. Lily leaped from Sirius's arms to Remus's arms and then to Peters giving them each a hug, however when she reached James she become suddenly shy and didn't seem to quite know what to do with herself. James didn't give her a choice those as he pulled her in to a hug. _

_Mark shouted to Lily from across the street that he would meet them at the ice-cream parlor at half past five to escort her home before he apperated away. Lily and her boys as she called them collected their school supplies from the various shops. As they were starting their third yet they each had more classes then they had in the prevoise two years. They were all take care of magical creatures but Lily and Remus had both singed up for Magical Runes and arithmancy. The others had requested divinations and muggle studies, classes that rumor had it were fluff classes and besides lily was a muggle born she could help them with anything they didn't understand. _

_Flourish and blots was their first stop. Lily, Remus and Sirius chatted about pranks they want to plan for coming year, while James and Peter fallowed in aw of remus and Sirius ability to converse with lily. Peter had always been a bit shy around lily could hardly from words now. And James well he couldn't put it to words how he felt but he knew that lily was working her way under his skin in ways he couldn't began to imagine. "Oh Remus I found the best book while I was cleaning out marks room last week, I think it was called the Mischief Makers Magical Guild to Charms Spells Jinxes and Cruses. Mark had marked several spells and charms and such that he had used while he was a school." Lily said in hushed tones lest she be heard by some of the classmates as the shopped._

"_I don't want to use used pranks and spelled" Sirius said as stoped to look at a Quiddicht magazine._

"_oh they wont be used." She said in aexparted tone "I've already been finding ways to tweek the spells so they will be less likely to fail and much more effective if not changing the desired out come entrily. Mind you I haven't been able to pratictice them yet becaueas of the trace but once we get on the train we can start working on them, I ve just been working on the thery behind them."_

"_the trace? what do mean by the trace?" asked remus._

"_it's the spell that the ministry uses on students. Its realy only effective if students use magic when they are around muggles with no other witches or wizards around. Because must students are from wizarding families it much hard to trace their magic use so the ministry has to rely on the parents to enforce the rules."_

"_bloody hell james we could have been using magic at home for ages."Sirius was shoacked to learn that minestry had been pulling the wool over the eyes of Hogwarts students for generations. "how come are parents never told us?"_

"_oy. Sirius don't be thick of coruse our parents don't tell us. they want to able to handle us." James smirked " can you honestly tell me that your arent curentaly thinking about all of the things you can do to regulas when you get home to night now that you know you wont get expelled.'" He laughed then " to be honest im more shocked to see remus speechless for once."_

"_oy. Remus close your muolth youll let in a fly." Peter snickered. " don't tell me you all didn't know that, ive knowen for ages that we could use magic as long are parents didn't see us. My sister was always use magica at home when she came back from Hogwarts"_

_Remus finaly shaken from his stupor "Well of course you knew you're the only other one of us with older sibling. Wait you knew we could use magic and didn't tell us?"_

_As their banter continued James fallowed behind watching his lily. He had always felt pretive of her but what he felt today was possevie, primal not the he really knew what that meant. However James knew that he would kill to protect lily._

_That day they stopped for lunch at the leaky caldron lily seemed to hardly sit still._

_but every loud noise or sudden movement seemed to startle her. When peter accidently set of a filibuster firework lily nearly jumped out of her skin. She heeled Peters burn with a few spells they had never heard of but when she accidently let slip that healing spells came in handy in her life she tried to tell them that she was clumsy, an excuse she used every time she returned to school from her father's house._

So it been for ever scein ive updated this story and im super sorry but I will update this un till its done I need a beta in any one want to do it.

Jess


End file.
